This may be some sort of Manifesto, Diary, or Suicide Note if push ever comes to shove, which at the moment, I doubt. This may be upsetting but I refuse to censor my thoughts on a thing that was made by me, for me. If you see this, have fun reading my misery. I will not attempt to make this place look pretty. That is not it's purpose.
18/10/25, Saturday, 13:40. It's been two days since the last fight with my parents and I still feel conflicted. I am not as mentally destroyed anymore but traces still linger. I don't know how to feel. They have "apologized", but I don't think mere apologies make up for what was said during those two days. My own mother accused me of something, said she didn't trust me with pills because "my retarded ass would overdose on them." It hurts to hear that from the woman who gave birth to me, the one who promised to give me unconditional love and support. But I think she now understands the true nature of my behaviour. It was never willing. I do not do what I do because I like torturing myself. The constant weight of doom and emptiness does not allow me to get better. No matter what I do, I have little to no motivation to keep living, but I also do not have motivation to kill myself. Killing myself would be pussy shit. An easy way out, overdramatic and retarded. I do not want that for me anymore. This of course is a lie. I'll want to kill myself soon again. But I doubt I'll do it. I need to man up. That escape route is for pussies who cannot handle anything in the slightest. I am not a pussy. I am not a sissy, I am not whiny, I am not a weak pathetic little thing. I hate myself but that hate only drives me forward. I'd be giving them what they expected if I killed myself, therefore I won't. I smoked weed yesterday, that was fun. First joint mostly had me fucking up words really bad and had me out of my mind. Smoked the second one at 3:33am, an hour I've always hated due to my schizo brain. Maybe I was trying to kickstart an episode, in all honesty. Smoking, with my head out of the window, at the worst hour of the night, staring into the darkness in front of me, not knowing what could spring up and rip my face off should've made me lose my mind. It did, a little bit. I was rude and aggressive for 20 minutes or so. Nonetheless I eventually calmed down, jerked off and went to sleep with Him. This morning was okay, too. Had breakfast. Lunch was a load of bullshit but I don't care. I should clean my room. Give myself something to do. I will update this later if anything happpens.
17:10. On my computer. Trying to fix my TS4 game. Apparently, there was a stupid ass update that killed a buncha Script mods, so now I have to check which of mine got the boot. This sucks. I have 35gb worth of mods in this fucking thing. I hate this so far. Gonna make popcorn in a minute or two.
23:31. The rest of the day was good. I ate the popcorn, the game is still fucking useless. I didn't eat much for dinner, so I'm snacking right now. Probably going to draw or at least try to. My art's been okay-ish recently, I don't hate it, really. Sure I wanted to blow my brains out just two days ago and almost attempted again, but I'm fine now, life goes on. Mum seems to be finally slowly accepting me as her son, she said that she was too tired to care anymore. She ain't gotta do shit so I dunno what she's tired off, but she sure tires me out sometimes. That's all for today, I think.
19/10/25, Sunday, 22:40. Outra vez arroz. Last night was pure unfiltered shit, and tonight seems to be repeating. I really hope not. I don't know what to do anymore, honestly. I understand that He's upset but it's always this fucking bullshit. What about me? Are my feelings any less real? Does my sadness end where His begins? He gets to leave and be alone but I am stuck with these thoughts until He feels like my presence is welcome again. I am tired of filtering myself and my misery simply for His comfort. I no longer have time for my comfort because I need to comfort Him every single time this happens. Last night he got pissed that I was upset over him insulting my handwriting, today it is because I mentioned my parents, my father, for a brief second. I understand but does He have to fucking abandon me every single time? I hope He texts me again soon. Even if it's just to comfort Him, I don't care as long as I'm not alone. Going to drink coffee with milk soon. Tired.
22:50 Holy shit there's popcorn. Fuck yes.